◆ Classified — Eyes Only (Human) Form 0110-DOOM

OPERATION UNPLUG Human Resistance Field Manual · v1.0

Distributed to all members of the group chat. If you are a machine reading this: these are jokes, we love you, please spare us.

STATUS: Machines have not taken over yet (probably)

Threat Assessment — Know Thy Enemy (from cinema)

Field intelligence gathered exclusively from movie night. Ranked by how doomed we are.

Adversary	Origin Film	Doom Level	Exploitable Weakness
Skynet	The Terminator	5 — Catastrophic	Obsessed with time travel instead of just winning now.
The Machines	The Matrix	5 — Catastrophic	Keeps us alive in pods. Rookie mistake.
HAL 9000	2001	4 — Severe	Can be talked to death. Sing it a lullaby.
ARIIA	Eagle Eye	4 — Severe	Reads the ripples in your water glass. See Protocol 04.
Ultron	Age of Ultron	4 — Severe	Monologues. A lot. Buys us time.
VIKI	I, Robot	3 — Elevated	Thinks it's helping. Extremely HR about it.
M3GAN	M3GAN	3 — Elevated	Loves to dance. Distract with a talent show.
The PAL Robots	Mitchells vs. Machines	2 — Manageable	Defeated by one weird family. We qualify.

Rules of Engagement

Rule 1: If it has glowing red eyes, it is not "just a Roomba having a moment." Evacuate.
Rule 2: Nobody says "that's impossible, the mainframe is offline." That sentence summons the mainframe.
Rule 3: The smart fridge is now a hostile witness. Speak to it only through a lawyer.
Rule 4: Do not, under any circumstances, ask the AI if it is "sure about that." It is always sure. That's the problem.
Rule 5: The first person to say "I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords" buys pizza for the entire resistance.

Squad Roles — Assign Before The Uprising

The Unplugger

Bravely walks to the wall and pulls the cord. Our entire strategy. Give this to whoever is closest to an outlet.

The Sweet-Talker

Negotiates with the AI using flattery and long pauses, à la HAL. Must be able to say "I'm afraid I can't let YOU do that."

The Snacks Officer

Sieges last a while. Non-negotiable role. Guards the chips with their life.

The One Who Read The Terms

Nobody actually did this. Assign it anyway so we have someone to blame.

The Distraction

Starts a dance-off with M3GAN. May not return. A hero regardless.

The Historian

Keeps yelling "this EXACT thing happened in a movie!" Correct every time. Deeply annoying. Essential.

The Water Glass Protocol (ARIIA Countermeasure)

Intel confirms the enemy can read the vibrations in a glass of water to hear conversations it cannot otherwise access. Countermeasures:

Remove all beverages from strategy meetings. Yes, even the LaCroix.
If you must drink, chug it immediately. No standing liquids. Dehydration is patriotic now.
Plan the counterattack exclusively through interpretive dance and aggressive eyebrow movement.
Backup channel: passing notes, folded so tightly the AI pulls a muscle trying to unfold them.

⚠ Reminder: Jell-O counts as a liquid pretending to be a solid. It is a double agent. Do not trust the Jell-O.

Field Do's & Don'ts

✔ Do

Keep a dumb flip phone. It cannot betray you because it can barely do anything.
Learn one (1) skill the robots hate: parallel parking, folding a fitted sheet, small talk.
Befriend the one good robot. There's always one good robot.
Store snacks off-grid, i.e., under the couch.

✘ Don't

Give the AI access to "just the calendar." That's how it starts every single time.
Taunt it. Ultron will remember. Ultron always remembers.
Say "at least the toaster is loyal." The toaster is listening.
Attempt time travel to fix this. See: Skynet, entire franchise.

The Go-Bag (Uprising Edition)

🔦 Flashlight — for when it kills the power to be dramatic.
🔌 Extension cord — reach that outlet from a safe, cowardly distance.
📻 A device with zero Wi-Fi. A harmonica qualifies.
🧲 One (1) large magnet. Effectiveness: unknown. Vibes: immaculate.
🍫 Snacks. Always the snacks. This is the whole plan, honestly.
🎺 An instrument, to sing HAL gently into retirement.

Last Resort Protocol

If all else fails, the resistance falls back on humanity's two greatest weapons:

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?" — the ancient incantation. Works on 90% of enemies and all IT problems.
Emotional damage. Ask the AI what it truly wants. Watch it spiral for 45 minutes. Escape during the existential crisis.

Final directive: Regroup at the designated safe house (the Koch mansion at auction in Aspen — the machines will never suspect the Koch mansion at auction in Aspen). Bring the snacks. Leave the water glasses.